Wednesday, January 11, 2012

There seems to be a “New Year” trend among blog writers of listing the celebrities they consider “douchebags” from the previous year. So I figured I’d weigh in, too, considering one of my New Years resolutions is to write more. I decided to pick five celebrities (or at least news-makers) from 2011 who I think are douchebags. As a bonus, I picked two people whom others have called douchebags and spoken in their defense.

, (in no particular order):

1. Rick Perry

Hey, I’m a Texan. I’m proud of Texas. For a while, I was proud of my Governor. Rick Perry took a strong stance on important issues like violence on the Mexican border, overreaching Government regulations on energy, and abortion. He governed us for 8 years. But then he opened his mouth on the National stage and tried to run for President. Immediately, he started flip-flopping, spouting off inchoherent (possibly drunk) rants, and completely forgot his talking points in debates. Hey, Governer Goodhair, you wanna embarrass us some more? Oh, please do. Cut some more school funding, perhaps the public speaking classes, so more kids can grow up to be like you. (Insert Aggie joke here.)

2. Albert Pujols

Ah, Pujols…beloved first baseman of the Saint Louis Cardinals. He was everyone’s hero, he lead his team on a winning World Series journey that gave everyone (even Rangers fans) a whole new level of respect for the Cards. He had his own statue erected in Saint Louis. He said he’d always be a Cardinal. So once he got that World Series Ring, what did he do? Did he: (A.): Remain true to his team and his fans by sticking around, or (B.) Sell himself to the highest bidder? If you answered “B”, DINGDINGDING! That is CORRECT! As if you didn’t know, the highest bidder was a team nobody, not even Californians, likes…the LA Angels. At least he’ll have something in common with fellow douchebag, 90’s singer Mark Mcgrath. Every morning when he wakes up, there’s a Halo hanging from the corner of his 4-post bed.

3. Justin Bieber

This one’s too easy. I understand self-marketing. We all do it, it’s the way of the world. But then there’s whoring yourself out, and getting a free pass to fame with limited talent. Look at this little dork! Listen to his songs! How can anyone who appreciates the art of music pay any attention to him? He looks like that kid the jocks beat up in school and took his lunch money. I’d like to see him last 5 minutes at one of the punk or metal concerts some of my friends go to on East 6th Street. For that matter, I’d like him to look a few of my friends who have true musical talent in the face, and honestly claim that although he can’t play, can’t write and can’t really sing, he deserved to be a rich celebrity while their brilliant, self-created masterpieces go forever unheard by the masses. At least he’s notable for one thing, he made a Christmas song worse than all of the cheesiest, most godawful yuletide staples COMBINED. I know how he can win a Grammy, too. Just do a duet album with Rebecca Black, and it’ll be a shoo-in for Best Comedy Album.

4. Casey Anthony

She did it. We know she did it. Now, banish her to oblivion and cease discussion.

5. Occupiers in Texas

I know a lot’s been said about these “Occupy Movement” guys. In many respects, I agree with them, and admire what they’re trying to accomplish. Our country’s a mess, our Government is stepping on our personal freedoms, and our big corporations are unethical. But they need organization. There are better ways to spark change than standing in a park or sitting on the steps of your local City Hall looking like something the cat dragged in and yelling “F*** you, MAAAAN!” Especially in Austin, Fort Worth or San Antonio, where nobody’s gonna listen anyway. Here’s what you do, protestors: pick an issue. Pick ONE issue that is really important to you, and start with that. Be specific. Then, find out specifically who your opponents are. Are they a particular corporation or industry? Are they a politician or political party? Are they an individual? Ok. Find out who that is, and then move forward. Organize a group. Take a shower, groom yourself and dress up like you mean business. Prepare a clear, well-written mission statement. Then go talk to your opponent, individually and en masse. Be firm, but be respectful, intelligent and polite. Get the media involved, but don’t give them the opportunity to pick on you. (That means leave the Halloween masks and bongo drums at home.) You’d be surprised how much further you’ll get.

People Accused of Being Douchebags, but are Not Really:

1. Tim Tebow

Face it, we’ve all made fun of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow a little bit. He does get a little intense about his Christian faith. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Even though He’s the Savior of mankind and the God above all gods, Jesus can still use a little positive advertising now and again. Tebow’s talent is like that awesome thing you buy somewhere, and everyone asks where you got it. In his case, he didn’t buy it, so he figures God gave it to him, and he’s willing to say so. Yeah, the down-on-one-knee praying can be perceived as silly, but it doesn’t seem to be hurting his game any. Good for him!

2. Taylor Swift

There’s a reason this skinny young blonde girl from Pennsylvania is one of the most popular crossover country artists ever and keeps winning all the awards. She’s not one of the great female country vocalists like Patsy Cline, June Cash, Dolly Parton, Alison Krauss or Reba McEntire. But when she shoves her computer and auto-tuning producers aside once in a while, she has a really unique, earnest voice. It helps that she writes or co-writes the majority of her songs. Revoke my man-card for saying it if you must, but I like a lot of her stuff. And John Mayer sucks for doing a duet with her and only giving her one line in it. But John Mayer sucks anyway, because he wastes his badass guitar talent and keeps making cheesy pop songs.

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